Over twenty-five years ago I attended a leadership conference, and still clearly recall one of the speakers describing leadership as, “a series of difficult conversations”. ‘Surely not!’, I remember thinking. ‘What a negative perspective!’ While I admire the idealism of my younger leadership self, I now think that speaker was probably onto something!
Conflict and navigating difference is an inevitable part of any relationship – whether with friends, family, colleagues, or fellow believers but how we respond to it can make or break our relationships, either deepening the division or fostering growth and reconciliation. And leaders are regularly engaged in these difficult conversations. We are necessarily solving problems, challenging perspectives, clarifying misunderstanding and seeking to unite disparate people around a united vision.
Furthermore, there are tricker moments, where a difficulty becomes a conflict, and we have to discern how to respond. Often, the world’s wisdom is to choose outrage, silence or public shaming, deploying strategies like avoidance (ghosting), gossip (ruining a reputation), removal of a person (cancel culture) or aggression (pick your social media channel!). Surely, there has to be a better way. If only Jesus had given us a proper conflict resolution programme or a complaints procedure to follow.
Actually, he did.
Matthew 18:15-17 offers a simple yet profound approach to resolving conflict in a healthy, respectful, and spiritually grounded manner. Jesus provides a step-by-step guide for handling conflict that protects dignity, encourages accountability, and seeks restoration rather than division. Let’s remind ourselves of wisdom that could be transformative if we put it into practice:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church…”
This approach has several key benefits. First, it preserves the dignity of the other person by avoiding public embarrassment. Second, it allows misunderstandings to be cleared up quickly – what seems like a wrong may have been unintentional. Third, it sets the tone for grace-filled reconciliation rather than blame and escalation.
You’ll notice that process begins with a private conversation – just you and the person who has wronged you. It’s not about shaming but about honest, loving confrontation. Often, this step alone brings healing and resolution.
If the issue remains unresolved, Jesus instructs us to bring one or two others – not to gang up on the person, but to provide clarity, accountability, and objectivity. These witnesses help ensure fairness and prevent misunderstandings and bitterness.
The final step, if necessary, involves the church community (or wider support in another context). This doesn’t mean public humiliation but rather seeking wise spiritual counsel and support when personal attempts have failed. The ultimate goal remains restoration, not punishment.
Things are not always straightforward or this clear, but how much unnecessary damage could be avoided if we (and those we lead!) put this into practice, do you think?
As leaders, it can be easy to feel defensive as we may receive disproportionate levels of criticism and discouragement. However, while leadership may indeed be a series of difficult conversations, they don’t necessarily have to be horrible conversations. In fact, handled well, they might help us to grow in understanding, honesty and trust together. Let’s pray that, with God’s help, this will increasingly be the case. What a witness to the world this would be.
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