The Comparison Trap

Sitting in a board meeting recently discussing an important matter, it was the turn of a female trustee to address the troublesome issue at hand. She did so with such articulation, clarity, compassion, and seasoned wisdom that I temporarily forgot the matter we were discussing and found myself basking in the afterglow of her contribution. Around the table, fellow trustees nodded in affirmation as her insights provided the perfect springboard for decision-making.

Did I say basking? Dear friends, let me be honest. I meant envying.

Immediately, every insecurity surfaced. My unspoken inner dialogue spluttered: “I wish I could speak so articulately.” “Why did I scorn those elocution lessons?” Before long, I arrived at the familiar conclusion: “What on earth am I doing here? I have nothing to offer at this table.”

Have you ever had a similar experience?

This, my friend, is what is often called the comparison gap or comparison trap.

The comparison gap is the emotional and spiritual distance we create when we measure our lives against someone else’s. It is the gap between where we are and where we think we should be, based on what we see in others. This gap often leads to feelings of inadequacy, envy, discouragement, or self-doubt, causing us to lose sight of God’s unique purpose and calling for our own lives.

It is the space between our reality and someone else’s perceived success. Between where we are and where we would like to be.

This can be especially problematic when it obscures the biblical truth about our uniqueness, our identity in Christ, and the Spirit’s transforming work within us throughout our leadership journey.

I am reminded of Jesus’ gentle chastisement of Peter in John 21. Having just been restored to right relationship with Jesus, Peter turned his attention to John’s future. Was he comparing himself with the disciple who was following close behind? Jesus’ response was both direct and liberating: “What is that to you? You must follow me.”

As a leader who is still periodically afflicted by unhealthy comparison, I have learned, and continue to learn, some important lessons that have helped me grow in both competence and confidence. I offer a couple of them below.

1. Don’t take your own word for it

Comparison often leaves us emotionally and mentally depleted because its winding paths travel through unwholesome thinking and end in a place of inertia and inaction. This is the very opposite of where God wants us to be. Our internal narratives are not always reliable, especially when they are filtered through insecurity and fear.

2. Address the situation

Comparison can be useful if it helps us identify areas where we can develop our skills or refine our leadership craft. However, this is best explored in the company of trusted others: a friend, a spiritual director, a mentor, coach, or experienced colleague. The key is to have someone who is committed to you and willing to serve as a truthful and compassionate guide, someone who will both cheer you up and cheer you on.

Learning to lead takes a lifetime, and we often learn more through our failures than our successes. Yet we can take heart in knowing that God, the Author and Finisher of our faith, delights in the unique way He has made us. Our strengths, quirks, experiences, and even our foibles all form part of the story through which He is glorified.